Thursday, June 16, 2011

Stabbed At The Back

"Actor-turned-director Ricardo 'Ricky' Rivero was stabbed 17 times in his Quezon City apartment yesterday morning, June 13, reports ABS-CBN News. The 39-year-old director survived the incident and confirmed that Hans Ivan Ruiz, 22, attacked him after he refused to give Ruiz money. 
According to the report, Ruiz has known Rivero for five months after meeting him through Facebook. Last Sunday, June 12, Rivero brought the suspect home after meeting him at around 11 p.m. along Timog Avenue, Quezon City. A fight between the two started after Ruiz claimed that his father was sick and asked the director for money...
"...'From the circumstances, the stabbing came first at the back. 'Yung taking could have come before or after, when there was no violence or intimidation on the person,' Mingao said in the report. Police also suspect that robbery was a primary motive." (Taken from dated 2011-06-14 and 06-15, as reported by Dharel Placido and Gus Abelgas from

I first got to know "Air"* last September 2010. He was a hosto model working in the then-hosto bar in the Malate, "Neighborhood." He was 21, about my height of 5'9, mestizo, and most of all, chinito. He was the shy-type, not too brash, introverted, and not the loud, out-spoken kanto boys that are typical of hostos or macho dancers his age. But he reminded me of a little boy who had child-like innocence - a true boy-next-door. Among all the guys I've met in these bars, "Air" was the most ideal. "Champion 'to, Slam dunk!" kumbaga.

The first time I tabled him couldn't have been more memorable. It was on the bar's big night, and because the guy I used to table was busy (remember "Ruiz" alyas Boy Torrid?), I had the opportunity to request for Air. When he sat with me, he told me he was surprised that I got him. He added that he'd been noticing me from afar for some time now, and he was just too glad to finally get to know me. Of course, kinilig yung bakla, as I too had my eyes on him for weeks already but never got the opportunity to talk to him.

At the end of that night's event, as we were leaving the bar around 530 AM, a rambol / fight ensued among the drunken hostos and the MD companions of my friend Ringo. After all the punches and broken bottles thrown, and my pang-awat in the middle of Manila's streets, what left an impression on me was not the memory of the crazy street-rumble itself, but the little phone call afterwards. Among the guys there, it was only Air who called to ask me how I was. He was obviously worried about me.

That sealed it for me.

More on my personal story:

Air and I went out the weekend after. He was willing not to go to work that Saturday night just to spend bonding time. We met in a mall down south, and had dinner in Jollibee, which made him feel weirdly giddy, like a boy being treated to a Chicken Joy meal. We had a quick chat in a cafe after, a few laughs, stories shared. Then I brought him home. He kissed me on the cheek good night, before alighting from the car.

I left for a 2-week business trip in Singapore the week after, which was the same week as my birthday. I remember being depressed, leaving a guy behind at the height of my kilig-stage. But I told him to keep in touch through text. We exchanged messages everyday the following week, day and night, as if I never left. On the eve of my birthday, at exactly 12 midnight, he called me up to greet me. He passed the phone to his co-workers, despite me paying for the hefty roaming charges. But it was okay, as I was just alone in my hotel room on my supposed "special" day.

That same week, he called me up in the middle of the day about his mother and her vehicular accident. His cracked voice on the phone sounded shocked, tulala, like a kid who didn't have anyone to turn to. He was stopping himself from crying, but he eventually broke down. Despite being in another country, I offered to help, without him really asking for anything. I even remember moving mountains, thanks to my friend "Ringo", just so he can go home to his hometown and aid his mother. He was sincerely grateful, of course, something that he said he'd never forget.

A week of messaging each other passed. As I was waiting in Changi airport for my flight back to Manila, I called him up to inform him on the time of my arrival. He was his usual giddy self. Before hanging up the phone, before saying goodbye, he mentioned three words that surprised me. I had to clarify what I heard.

"What did you just say?" I asked.

"Sabi ko, 'I love you.'"

OMG. Speechless.

We dated each other from then on. Dinners before his work. Beer sessions along MOA. Talking about his plans to stop working, start his own buy-and-sell business, and have his own motorcycle. And all those times, driving him home to the South, even if I lived up North.

But our favorite was singing karaoke in the hosto bar he worked in. He had a good voice, and he'd always sing me Ronnie Liang's "Ngiti." Of course, the bakla that I am truly felt he was singing our story. "Minamasdan kita nang di mo alam, pinapangarap kong ikaw ay akin...  Sa iyong ngiti, ako'y nahuhumaling... Sana'y mapansin mo rin ang lihim kong pagtingin."

I, too, was in love.

In the middle of October, during one of our chats, he told me how he'd really like to have his own motorcycle. Like an excited boy wanting a new toy, he shared how he saw this particular model, how he inquired how much it cost and the payment schemes. Somehow I sensed his hesitance to ask me for the money. But even if he did ask, I couldn't afford to buy him a P70,000+ worth item. The most I can do was just to help him with advice on how to purchase the vehicle by using down payments, collaterals, and monthly installments. As I knew where our conversation might possibly lead, I controlled myself from shelling out money, by ensuring not a single peso would come from me (which I never admitted to him). The decision might even make him more independent, by not clinging to me for any of his financial or monetary needs.

The week after he finally got his own motorcycle using his own income from the bar, we were supposed to meet up in the afternoon to celebrate. It might have been miscommunication, but Air didn't confirm of the time and place. He did reply back though, but past midnight. Basketball game, he said. The following week, we agreed to meet up near his place, and I was even willing to drive all the way to Sucat on a Friday night. But on the way there, he never got in touch with me for our meeting place and time. Oh wait, he did, but after 30+ missed calls, 20+ unanswered text messages, and me going home furious about the mix-up. He apologized, cancelled, because he wasn't feeling well, as he claimed. A long word war via SMS happened.

The next time we met was before Halloween, as he was asking for help for their bar's costume party. When we met before the party, I sensed he was aloof. Despite his silence and frequent texting to someone I didn't know, I still knew he needed something from me. Again, I asked if he wanted some help for anything, but he refused and asked to be dropped off in his bar. All through out the car ride, I didn't get a word from him. I shrugged it off, as it felt it might be time for me to move on.

That turned out to be the last time we met.

Our texting waned thereafter. Our phones would only get missed calls that were never returned. A few weeks later, middle of November, I found out from his hosto colleague that Air was not showing up for work anymore since the start of the month. Curious, I asked why.

"Ayun, sumama na sa isang guest ko."

My hosto friend elaborated how Air was tabled a few weeks before, by this young lady customer who worked for another bar, as one of the supposed "bar girls." She would come to "Neighborhood", in her short shorts and high heels, flaunting every night how "loaded" she was, given the fact that she would allow herself to be "taken home" by the dirty old men and Japanese businessmen. In the hosto bar, she would change her men based on her mood. That night she and Air met, she was craving for something chinito.

"Mukhang nahumaling na si 'Air' sa yaman ng babaeng yun," according to my hosto friend. "Eh mukhang nagpapagamit naman si babae.  Yun naman habol nila sa isa't isa."

Fuck. Left by a hosto for a literal pokpok. Okay lang sana kung sa kapwa bading o sa matrona o sa kababatang babae ako iniwan. Pero sa ganun lang basta-basta?

Just because he couldn't get what he wanted from me? That showed how he was like a spoiled child throwing a tantrum, and in his revenge, threw a dagger at my back. Every time I thought of him, I couldn't help but get angry and betrayed. But I never retaliated. Nor did I budge to give in to his wants. I learned my lesson, the hard way.

Today, months after that phase with Air, I don't think the emotional pain has healed yet. I never got closure from him. I was still wondering how he is, where he is working now, and if he's still with his pokpok girl he left me with. Earlier this year, I sent him some text messages of kumusta, but all were unanswered.

"Air" didn't steal from me, nor did he literally stab me 17 times at the back using a bread knife. But hearing news articles of gay men getting robbed by younger tricks, I am just reminded of how foolish and trusting some gay men can be to guys whom they fancy, and how extreme the responses that these gay men could receive after saying "no" to these guys' financial requests, despite helping them in the past.

It's the dilemma of the hopelessly in-love gay man -- will I give, or will I not? Is he just using me, or is his mother / father really in dire need? Will my money or gift ensure he'll treat me the same way after? Will answering "yes" to his financial request result to a "yes" from him for us to stay together, live together, or at least, sleep together? As weak and vulnerable as we are, some of us couldn't afford to say no, fearing being abandoned by their boy toy, or worse, getting literally stabbed by a dull kitchen knife at the back.

Only the learned and brave ones do say "no." Fine, even the kuripots, as well.

I am wondering if the gay man's lifestyle of freely meeting hunky strangers, via the internet, the dark streets, the gay clubs or at the macho dancing gay bar, and allowing these strangers-turned-trusted-friends into their cars, their homes, and even their lives, would still continue despite news like this. What's worrying me more is that what happened to Ricky may happen to me. Given my lifestyle, it most likely will. Wag po.

I never knew what really happened between Ricky and that Hans guy. Let's leave the courts to decide on that. I am just praying for the speedy recovery of the gay man, and all the foolishly in-love gay men out there, who got stabbed multiple times at the back. Wounds, especially if "Mula sa Puso", do take time to heal.

GB Goer
Learn more: Lessons from Gay Bars in Manila
twitter: @gbgoer

*Names here are not their real names nor their bar stage names. I've used pseudonyms to protect their privacy, and cloak them in a sense of mystery. But somewhere, I mentioned a clue what "Air"s real nick name is. 

News Article from


  1. awww. i agree 100 percent on your take on this. Some people symphatized with Ricky Rivero, while some simply threw all the blame on him and his sexuality. It's not the sexual preference that's causing this kinds of incidents. Like what you said "It's the dilemma of the hopelessly in-love gay man". Which means, this can happen to any straight man or woman who are in the same emotional state. ^___^

  2. Wow - compelling story. Sorry you had to go through this, but then I'm sure you've come out of the experience all the better because of it.

  3. Yes, we all have our vulnerable moments. And it's saddening that when we muster up the strength to stand up for ourselves, that's when we get hit. Maybe the risk is not in allowing and letting people into our lives. It's when we decide that we don't want to be in that relationship anymore... or I'm just over-analyzing all of these. Baka iba nga naman ang issue nila. hehe. Let's see how their story will unfold.

  4. Hi Rocky. Well, matagal na yan. I still think of Air though. But yeah, lessons were learned... hence, this blog. Thanks again!

  5. Enjoy reading your blog.
    Just remember.... you can't buy love.

  6. Nice article...

    im one of the gay men who don't know how to say no

    and who have stabbed at the back a million times

    i have alot of heart wrenching experience with them just like what im going through today

    i actually longing for advice to help me stop this craziness with str8 guys


    'gusto ko lang naman ng fries' :(

  7. GB, hindi yata singer si Ronnie Lazaro :). The singer of Ngiti is Ronnie Liang

  8. @anonymous, oh yes you're right! hahaha! let me correct that.

  9. My sentiments exactly. Most times being shrouded with fear of being abanadoned/ignored by these men who I most fantasize. So kahit prepaid load minsan I give them away.

    Ingat nalang siguro tayong lahat.

  10. GB, you might remember my nobela a few posts back. Bueno, such a reaction is summoned by an experience very similar to yours, albeit much worse. Consider yourself lucky, you only heard of your Air opting for a pokpok over you and your kindness. My boy had to pick up his pokpok and torridly kiss her in front of me. How's that for a slap in the face? And how clearer a message does one need of having zero value to this person? Oh and yes, he also asked me for money to pay for the motel room where he could fuck his bitch.

    Sige, pakipulot na lang ang jaw mo sa sahig. But yes, it did happen to me.

    Fear not. Am over the motherfucking asshole. Though he still texts every now and then. How's that for sagad sa butong kapal ng mukha?

  11. Hi V, i was wondering what your story would be like. When i was writing this post, i thought what your story might be. I knew na meron pa out there na mas malala pa mga stories. But what he did was pure harshness. Rude. Insensitive. Buti hindi ka nagskandalo noong time na yun, or pinag sasabunot yung girlie? Now I am curious where you met the asswipe. At nagpaparamdam pa up to now. Kapal ng mukha talaga.

  12. Hi Ewan... Do you want to share with me? I am not sure though if I can give the best advice. But if you want to reach out, just email me.

    And hope I can connect with your blog as well. =)

  13. GB, hindi ako nakapag-react because I was so damn shocked that night (this was in the second floor of a Malate bar that you had already mentioned in this blog). Really, blown-out-of-my-wits shocked. I could not believe the pure and utter cruelty that someone can inflict upon another person, even one whom has only given kindness in return. Hindi ko talaga ma-process at that time and so I felt numb. I felt numb for hours after that incident. And no I did not get angry afterwards, I actually attempted at intelectualizing the whole thing. Him, being a young, blah blah blah and all that. Pero in the end, after making my friends suffer through hearing my tale, it finally clicked. Walang kwentang tao ito. At ni katiting hindi niya deserve ang pag-aalala na ibinigay at ibibigay ko pa sa kanya.

    I did not go cold turkey on him though. For one, makulit nga talaga ka-te-text; kelangan pa kasi ang "elp" ko eh. Pero dun ko nasimulan, I deleted his number from my phonebook. And then put it back again. And deleted it for a longer time. And put it back once more. And then kept it deleted for even longer.

    What I am pointing out is that for a situation where we find ourselves seriuosly in too deep over another person, it is never an easy to let go. Oo lyrics yan sa kanta pero I realized that it is true when I had the good fortune to go through it myself. I had to learn to wean myself from him.

    Currently, nandito pa din siya sa phonebook ko. But the urge to text him is gone. He sends feelers every now and then to which I do not reply. Ganuon pala talaga yun. Lumilipas din pala talaga.

    Sadly, and I have told him this as well, the memory of that night will stay with me siguro, hanggang sa huling buntong hininga ko. :( Pero siguro din, by that time, I would altogether be a different person, remembering him and his pokpok and my shellshocked self that night.

  14. hi, just read your post, naku GB, i cannot believe that you are that gullible( well , i just have to blurt it out ). Yes , the st8 guys wants our money, saying yes to them , once or everytime, does not mean both of you will stay forever.

    mga beki, pls pls pls, we should be firm and have the guts to say to ourselves ---- I maybe gay , but I am not stupid, yan ang motto ko,yan ang sinasabi ko sa sarili ko pag bumubunot na ako ng anda pambayad sa mga st8 guys hahahahaha. Ako rin naman , actually last month lang, i had the same experience, sa mga st8 guys, kung ano anong excuses/problems ang naririnig ko, haay , ako basta stick to the budget agreed upon.Kahit magaling ang extra service, I refrain from giving extra money, and i succeeded 70 % of the time ( haha di pa 100% ).

    simple lang naman yan--- tama na ang ligaw ligaw drama, kung type mo ang guy, eh oferan nyo ng anda, kung pakipot at ayaw, lakihan ang offer, pag bumigay, then thats the end of it, tatawag yan for 2nd round, by then same price ang bigay mo, then pag nag text ang guy for 3rd round, for sure ikaw na ang tatanggi, why?? kasi by nature sawain ang mga beki, and yes i am talking from experience, sa 1st 2 rounds lang excited ang mga beki, after the 2nd round, ang gusto , iba ng lalaki, oh sige pls mga friends ko na beki, aminin , kung di totoo ang sinabi ko....

    hmmm, kaya nga di ko ma gets why you go to gay bar, at teh end of teh day, yung drinks fee at anda sa lalaki eh pareho lang sa bugaw fee + talent fee ng mga pa booking na lalaki, haaaay , naku gb, dont look for closure OK??? closure happens after every sexual encounter, btw, did the two of you already had sex??? naku ha , me monetary and emotional investment ka na, i hope me churvahan ng nanagyari , hahaha


  15. hi gbg can't wait for you next story-RC

  16. Hi marvin, thanks for the comment. Hindi naman kasi sex lang habol ko in these bars. I don't even think of MDs as call boys. That's why less ang "sawa" factor, because I get attracted to the guy not just because of his sex appeal but his looks and personality. That's the advantage for me of an MD or hosto versus the call boy in QC circle, the masseur in the sha-sha place, or the boytoys for hire in the internet. You get attracted with the guy's looks and body, then get attracted more from the more personal interaction. Intimacy follows. So it's sex from a relationship, not sex for sex sake. And to quote Woody Allen in a movie daw "the most expensive sex is free sex", which I think is one of the best sex experience ever.

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  18. Salamat sa blog na ito. Isa na siguro ako sa mga pinakabatang nahumaling sa pagpunta sa mga GB. College pa lang ako mahilig na talaga akong pumuslit sa mga ganitong lugar sa pagaakalang makakahanap ako ng tunay na lalaki na magmamahal sa kin. Sa 1200 a week na allowance ko itatabi ko na ang 1 Libo duon para sa loob ng 2 linggo makakaipon na ko ng pang GB ko. 200 pagkakasyahin ko pangkain sa loob ng isang linggo makapag GB lang sa weekend. Marami akong nakilala marami akong inakala na magmamahal sa akin. Yun pala sa huli pag wala na akong maibigay iiwan din ako. Humantong pa na kailangan kong humingi ng pera sa magulang ko magsinungaling na may kailangan na bilhin sa skwela para lang may maibigay ako sa BF ko na MachoD. Andoon ang pagasa na may isang tunay na lalaki na pupweding magmahal ng tunay sa tulad kong bakla. Nanatiling isang ilusyon. Mabuti na lang pagkatapos ng graduation ko may nagalok na magtrabaho ako sa ibang bansa. Muntik ko ng pakawalan ang pagkakataon dahil parang hindi ko kayang isuko ang addiction ko sa GB. Mabuti na lang sa pagkukumbinsi ng aking mga magulang tumulak ako patungo sa isang bansa na mahigpit ipinagbabawal ang kabaklaaan. Tumulak ako tungo sa pagbabago. Hindi ako nagsisi dahil parang Diyos na ang naglayo sa akin sa ibayong kapahamakan. Ngayon matatawag ko ng clean living ang buhay wala na ang libido na nararamdaman ko tuwing sasapit ang biyernes ng gabi. ang buyo ng damdamin na matugunan ang tawag ng Laman. ang pagbabaka sakali na may makilala ako at makaulayaw habang lumalalim ang gabi. May takot lang sa aking puso dahil matapos ang dalawang taon na pakikipag buno tungo sa pagabot ng aking mga pangarap heto at handa na ang aking mga bagahe pauwi ng panandalian sa bayang sinilangan. May kaba sa aking puso na baka sa pagtungtong ng aking mga paa sa aking pinanggalingan ay muling sumilakbo ang matagal ng natutulog na pagnanasa. Andun ang pagaalala andun ang pagdadalawang isip kung muli akong papasok sa makipot na pinto tungo sa pantasya. Bahala na siguro si Batman. ako po si jc bumabati ng isang malayang kabaklaan sa inyong lahat mula sa qatar...

  19. @ jazz- sana naman gamitin mo brains mo once ur in manila

    @ Gb and jazz- possible naman magkaroon ng love ang MD and gay BUT small ang possibility , kahit ano pa ang label nyo sa relationship nyo sa MD, ETO ANG FACT

    MD / guys /callboys look at gays as walking ATM machine, they are aware that gays are sawain sa lalaki kaya naman huhuthut sila ng pera habang baliw pa tayo sa kanila, you should start looking at it as a business transaction

    now kung love eh ibang usapan na yun, BUT 90 % of the time, ganyan ang situation and outcome - so tuthfully, i dont understand yung sinabi ni GB na sex for sex sake, kuno, sa point of view ng lalaki, its sex for money, money and money, yun lang

    nothing wrong in falling in love, but remember , there is a fine line between being in love and being stupid


  20. It's our quest for intimacy and perhaps some love that makes us vulnerable. Kahit na alam na nating niloloko lang tayo or ini-etching etching,nagpapaloko pa rin tayo.

    I really felt sorry for the Director who was stabbed. Sana ninakawan na lang cya at di pa humantong sa saksakan. I couldn't feel the same for those bakla na 'nilalasing' o 'dino-droga' mga boys just to have some. Iyon dapat masaksak!

  21. same story here in the middle east there are lots of opportunist men who cling with gays in exchange of pleasure but if you have a courage to say no to them they will left you behind... its just the determination of the gays to stand what they feel..

  22. Hi JazzJc. I love your story. It reminded me of our youth's crazy wild abandon to satisfy our curiosity and give in to our wants, even it meant lying, stealing or cheating (okay, exag na yun). Your post made me smile. =)

  23. Hi marvin. Mejo malalim yata ang pinaghuhugutan mo ng sama ng loob sa mga lalaki. Hinay lang, at baka susunod ikaw naman ang mabalitaan namin sa diyaryo na magsasaksak sa isang MD o hosto o sha-sha... at hindi bilang isang "top."

    Aaminin kong hindi lahat ng lalaki ay busilak ang kalooban, dahil marami talaga diyan ang naghahanap lang kung kailan sila makakakuha ng malaking big time customer na maaaring paghuthutan ng pera. Sa dami ng naupo ko, marami na akong nakilalang yan lang ang habol. Pagnakilala ko ang lalaki na ganito, sagot ko sa kanila, "goodbye! next!"

    Ngunit, mayroon ding mga "tunay na tao" diyan, at malalaman mo yan kung marunong kang kumilatis ng tao. May mga nakilala na ako sa kanila. Napaibig na rin ako sa kanila, hindi dahil lang sa hitsura kundi sa karakter nila. Ngunit hinayaan ko munang umibig muna sila sa akin. Haha.

    Huminay ka na rin sa mga sha-sha muna ha. Kaya siguro iba ang tingin mo sa mga lalaking ito dahil sa dalas ng pag extra service, na sa tingin ko'y purely business transaction lang talaga. Hindi nakukuha ng transaksyon ang tunay na kabuuan ng kanilang pagkatao. Kaya rin siguro nakikita ng mga ilang lalaki ang ibang bading bilang "business" na maaaring pagkakitaan, kasi ang mga bading ay "business" lang din ang tingin sa kanila bilang bayarang lalaki. Sa dami ba naman ng mga iba't ibang klaseng tao na nakikilala nila, marunong na sila kumilatis ng tao sa isang tingin pa lang - alam nila kung sino ay bastusan lang ang habol, at kung sinong enjoyment lang, at kung sinong tatangang-tangang pwedeng perahan.

    Anyway, to leave you a quote: "Baguhin ang masamang tingin sa iba, at baka baguhin din nila ang masamang tingin sa iyo." =) Nagmamahal, Ate Charo.

  24. hahaha, masyadong serious ang answer mo but my only point is, yes, its a business transaction, as i said if it becomes love, then ibang level na yun

  25. Reading the blog + comments made me feel like an idiot..lolz.

    Five days before I left Manila (Feb 2011), I met this young, handsome-mestizo straight bloke via his' neighbor (my friend).

    Now, I'm basically paying for everything - apartment, college education to Aeronautical school (he is 1st year), monthly allowance, cost of living, motorcycle, cellphone, etc etc.

    Despite being away for 7 months now, I still felt his faithfulness to me. Daily chats/updates thru BB and offline msgs made me happy. I don't mind if he dates his' girlfriend, but not another gay hehehe.

    Am I dumb? Is it worth? Just wondering ... :)


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