Saturday, March 19, 2011

The Tale of The Crazy Matron Patrons

Once upon a time, in a far away land called Manila, there lived a young gay princess who, on weekend nights, went around the taverns of Manila's various towns. These little taverns, called "gay bars" by the locals, housed all types of men that catered to the fantasies of other gay queens. In those taverns, there were macho princes in underwears, knights in shining boots, and young emperors who always wore their new clothes.

The young gay princess traveled from gay bar to gay bar, with his two fairy godmothers, Mary and Ringo, in search of their one true loves. In each visit, they were greeted warmly by the townspeople, both by the transvestite performers and the handsome valor men, who often shared stories about their adventures as knights and princes.

One such tale that was frequently recounted were the mad visitors from far away lands who became regular patrons of the taverns. These mad visitors were not the gay men which the taverns try to attract, or the low-key women in their late 40s above, also known as the "matrona", looking for some companionship. These unique visitors were yes, matronas, but who were actually mad witches in regal queen's clothing. The townspeople referred to them as "crazy matronas."

The crazy matrona in the fairy tale gay bar

Read more about these crazy matron patrons, after the jump:

In the gay bar, these mad witches often want to be treated as queens. They visit these taverns alone, or accompanied by one lady-in-waiting friend. When they enter the tavern in their most attention-grabbing gowns and jewels, they expect the entire staff to be aware of their presence. They only sit at their preferred thrones, as they are cuddled by the handsome macho prince of their choice. They order wine and beer as if throwing a feast for their chosen prince, and spending as if they brought with them their entire kingdom's riches in their luxury-brand purses. They order around the staff, and expect service nothing less for a queen. And as these witches-in-queen's clothing leave, the townspeople let out a sigh of relief, though glad to have earned some gold coins for the night.

A common act of these matronas would be to tuck some money in the underwears of their princes when they dance, as tip. This elicits competition from other queens, as the crazy queens don't want to be overshadowed by "lesser" queens.

In one instance, as shared by a tranny townsfolk, when an unknown queen from the land of Mandaluyong placed five P500 bills at the bikini garter of her prince, the regal Queen Bitchesa in all black attire snickered from another part of the room. "Is she done with her tip?" shouted by the bitchier queen, who reigned in a local TV network. No one responded to her. She then grabbed a huge 5-inch wad of P1000 bills inside her bag, and threw the money on the stage. "That's what you call TIP!" she announced to the stunned bar folks.

"Taray! (Fierce!)" exclaimed by the young gay princess.

The craziness of these matronas ranges from ordinarily weird to down-right mental-hospital / asylum head case. The most extreme that the young gay princess and fairy godmothers heard about was the one who claimed to be a descendant from an actual royal line in Europe. In their minds, how can a European queen look like a 5-foot, dark-brown skinned, button-nosed native servant from a provincial island? "Are you royal-blooded too?" Queen U would ask before talking to anyone worthy of her presence. If she did engage in small talk, she'd tell tales of her previous life in Paris and London, in her most un-European accent. She'd even teach the commoners how to eat "like the royal bloods do," which the commoners oblige as part of their own entertainment. No one knew where she came from. What they knew was she would arrive in the gay bar on a Saturday night in an ordinary vehicle or mere taxi, and not in a horse-drawn Cinderella carriage with a Mercedes logo.

And as queens, they expected nothing less than be considered the "fairest of them all", especially when they would fall in love with their darling knight or prince. Their hubby kings were left cavorting with the young fair maidens in other taverns called "girlie bars", making these queens search for men who could return that regalness in their lives. No magic spell could make them young again; only the kiss of a handsome macho prince.

That's why they spend their kingdom's fortune to these princes, as a way to "own" them. If the "owned" prince would spend a night with another queen or a fine young maiden, the crazy-in-love queen would turn into the wicked witch, and all hell would break loose.

Don't steal the prince from this matrona... or else!

For instance, on one Saturday night, the matronly guest of one macho dancing knight wouldn't believe why the knight has been absent for days. He has been tending the death of his closest cousin, whom the bar knew because his cousin was also a former dancing knight in that bar. The matronly guest was accusing him of "booking" or meeting with other queens. So on the night when the dancing knight went to the bar to grab some stuff before he returned to the wake, the matronly queen invaded the bar to confront the boy and prove if what he was saying was true. No one reported if the confrontation went awry.

There was also this sugary, old Queen Nuts of Korea who would go everyday to a gay bar for her tall, dark, yummy Prince Beatty. On several occassions inside the bar, the old Queen invaded the tables of other lesser Korean princesses who would table her man. No one could get her boy, as if the prince was locked inside the prison walls only to get out when she would arrive. When the Queen and her prince broke up as the prince wanted freedom after two years, she would hire minions to stalk him in and out the bar, to report his every move. While the prince danced on-stage, the witch in her would shout expletives to demean the boy, and even befriended some lesser Korean princesses just to ruin his reputation. She had poured in almost millions into the bar, and she expected the prince to love her a millon times more.

Millions really are spent by these rich matrons. P1M was the biggest tip that a certain knight, Sir Russell, knew was given inside a gay bar in one night. Car keys were being "tipped" during big night events. According to Sir Russell who went out with the young gay heroine princess for drinks, there was this crazy-in-love queen years ago who would spend her fortunes on her prince. It came to a point years after when the queen's gold reserve would be depleted (maybe, the king found out about her misgivings), that she was now calling up her once-beloved prince and asking for money she could borrow. "The tables have turned," as Sir Russell said. "The once-monied customer has become the one asking, all because of her foolishness."

After her weekly visits to the gay bars, the young gay beautiful and intelligent princess realized that she was also as crazy for these macho dancing knights and princes, just like those mad queens. She then shouted out to her fairy godmothers, in fear that she might eventually transform and turn into those queens who were witches. "Gaga! Ilusyonada!" exclaimed her fairy godmother Mary. "How can you turn into a queen if you're male?"

"Fine!" the princess thought. She just asked for a wish from her two fairy godmothers, Mary and Ringo. To whatever wish, these two promised to oblige.

The young princess wanted to finally meet her Prince Charming. So closing her eyes, she wished to the two fairies, "I wish... to table your boys next time."

Granted. And the rest became history.

As for these crazy matron patrons? They're still going around different towns, terrorizing other taverns in other faraway lands. Still in search of their next prince in underwear or knight in shining boots, who can make these queens, in their old witching age, the "fairest of them all". And still, they are not living happily ever after.

GB Goer
Learn more: Lessons from Gay Bars in Manila
twitter: @gbgoer


  1. Sorry for posting a few days late. That was quite an epic tale to write about. Hope you enjoyed. Whew!

  2. I enjoyed this post, G.B. Goer! :) The (young, non-matronly) girls and I recently encountered some of these crazy queens ourselves. Oh, well. In the end the princesses defeats the witches anyway.

  3. glad you enjoyed it. wow, battle royale! what happened? Did this happen in Middle-Earth, inside a tavern called "Earthling"

  4. i had fun reading this! what a creative way of characterisizing one of the types of GB guests... In all types of society, money truly speaks if only for that exact moment when one is willing to shell them out.. pero pagkatapos din ng lahat-lahat, one will learn that 'money isn't everything'. kudos...

  5. hi anonymous! thanks for comment. i also had fun writing it. =)

    just to add. perhaps, if wala talagang magawa sa lumpak-lumpak na pera, their thinking is why not spend on something that person feels he/she lacks the most -- love and affection. That, they seek in a gay bar, and demand something that's worthy of their money. If what they're getting in return is genuine or not, we may not truly know.


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